is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
