I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
