Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
