Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
