when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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