is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
