Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
