i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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