i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
