News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
