so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
