I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
