My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you win again, gameday.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
