I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
