hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
