you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
