Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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