I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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