so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
