I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
