So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Someone came in the potted fern
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize