if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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