I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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