you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
