Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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