I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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