Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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