I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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