My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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