P.S. I can't hear my feet
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
