I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
