You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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