i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
