Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
