I met the friendliest cop last night
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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