If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
