It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
