Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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