Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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