My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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