Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
