Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
