And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
