Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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