I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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