I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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