So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
