if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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