I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
