Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
