Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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