So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
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Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
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I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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