you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
