i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
