If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
