is your mom at the bar?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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