I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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