sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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