mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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